pigeon forge, gatlinburg (crapway to the smokies), and the smoky mountains

so, we thought we were going to spend two nights in gatlinburg, tennessee, thought it would be a tad tacky, but charming, and it’s so close to some beautiful nature, and it’d be campy, and we’d go to dollywood because we love dolly and dollywood would also be campy and we’d get t-shirts for our friends, and we thought it wouldn’t be so crowded this time of year because, you know, the kids are back in school. . .

um. . . we were wrong on all counts.

first a disclaimer: i’m not religious, but i know people who are and i like them.  i’m all for spirituality.  believe what you believe.  worship how you worship.  don’t push your stuff on me and i won’t try to get you to join a coven or talk about reincarnation with me.   we don’t have to agree about it.

another disclaimer: if you love palin or miss george w. or enjoyed glenn beck’s rally we probably don’t have a lot to discuss politically if we want to be polite to each other.  i will probably condescend to you and won’t be able to look beyond it.  i won’t argue with you, but on the inside I’ll be sad that you’re voting against your own best interest and believing the lies.

 

i miss will farrell doing his impersonation of you. the hopey changey thing isn't working out thanks to you and yours--the corporate overlords are still in power.

 

with all that said:  i love old time country music, the kind where they sing about Him having holes where the nails have been, people singing because that’s all they had in the world that was beautiful, their voices and banjos and fiddles and their faith that after this shitty life was mercifully over they were going to get their reward.  conversely, i don’t love the belligerent, willfully ignorant, “patriotic” propaganda, modern country music.  it bites.

driving through kentucky we listened to the stanley brothers and john prine and old crow medicine show (new old timey) and a couple ‘this american life’s just to brace ourselves.   and we were so excited about dollywood, hoping to catch a glimpse of our favorite confirmed bachlorette, if you know what i mean. . .  ;-). and so excited to see the smokies, a place where neither of us had been.

we got to tennessee late in the afternoon on a gray, drizzly day and decided to put off dollywood for the next day,  headed towards gatlinburg “gateway to the smokies”, and once we hit town, were in immediate sensory overload.  it was PACKED full of people and from one end of the two mile main strip to the other we drove looking for a motel.  we found one, the grand prix, way at the far end closest to the park.  it had a pool the shape of a clover.  it had an indian man at the front desk.  it wasn’t advertised as “american-owned, american-run” and therefore we were the only guests.  $41! that’s with tax. the room was clean. the TV was nice. the bed was comfortable.  it was great.

we walked from our motel to the far end of the strip and here’s a sampling of the bizarre mixture of things we saw: dozens of pancake restaurants, far right wing sloganed and religious t-shirt shops

 

i thought there was a rule in the bible against this kind of garbage

 

 

yikes

 

airbrushed personalized t-shirts were also available

 

we got one for everyone back home. . .

 

 

lantz was mesmerized

 

fudge/candy/ice cream/funnel cake peddlers

 

diabetic fudge was available

 

childrens’ activities (mini golf, paint ball, etc.), adult emporiums (porn and sex toys for the honeymooners–we saw four different ‘just married’-covered trucks riding through town), thomas kincade galleries (barf)

 

tom, please stop painting

 

and, the weirdest, in a way, combination gun-knife-bong shops.

 

one stop shopping for all your hookah and air rifle needs

 

there’s also an attraction called ‘christus gardens’ which we didn’t visit, but is described hilariously here:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/terrible2z/4189167665/

so, here’s the thing, i’m all for bongs.  i’m all for fudge, candy, ice cream, funnel cake.  i’m all for kids having fun stuff to do. i’m all for pancakes.  i’m all for the first amendment.  i’m even on board with the second amendment.  the thing that was so repulsive, as is usually the case, was the hypocrisy.  this combination of the holier than thou religiousity [two out of the ten channels were preachers–one a hipster preacher, the other, the fire and brimstone older dude] and the garish, and often illicit, conspicuous consumption.  this spot in the universe was beautiful and perfect at one point, a holy place in the purest sense, it was the fucking smoky mountains, and now people barely make it into the mountains because there’s too much diabetes-inducing over-stimulation to be had.

speaking of the smokies. . . how come it’s illegal to smoke in bars in many, if not most, states, but it’s no big deal to light up in national parks?  that’s weird.  and i’m only exaggerating a little when i say that EVERYONE was smoking when we got out to look at the view and get some fresh air (air that didn’t smell like fried batter or burning sugar).

i think the lesson here is not to enter through gatlinburg, and to bring warmer clothes so that we can go for a long hike away from the throngs, and to really just be prepared that people and their children, pissy and fighting with siblings from spending too much time in a car, are going to be loud and unaware and no one really wants to go there to look at the majesty of the damn park, but for a photo opportunity.  here’s ours:

 

where are the mountains?

 

 

i think the mountains were actually smoking

 

 

the abrupt border of crapville and the smokies

 

deciding a third night in new orleans seemed like a better idea than a second night in gatlinburg, we left the park and headed to dollywood.  the parking lot was nearly empty.  awesome, right?  i’m guessing it was empty because people who had flocked to dollywood from all around the country arrived at the entrance gate and heard “that’ll be $55.90 each plus $9 for parking” and did what we did, turned the car around and high tailed it out of there. oh, dolly. i might pay that much to see you in person, but seriously. . . we were going to spend half an hour there at most.  you should have an adult pass that let’s you go in and buy merchandise with your face on it, take a few pictures, and let’s us get on our way.

and even though it seems like i’m just complaining, all of this was fun and there’s nothing like visiting a place that is almost exactly the antithesis of where we would ever live to make us even more appreciative of home.  can’t wait to get back to portland, to petey, first and foremost, who sent us a message via krystee:

 

dreaming about me

 

and friends (and especially the new little friend who’s fixin’ to arrive on or around her due date of november 9th) and our home and comfy bed and the cafe where the sassy barista will laugh at my snarky comments and i even can’t wait to get back to 24 hour fitness and the hipsters on fixies and the six month rainy/drizzly winter and work.  yay, home!

~ by travelinmofos on October 9, 2010.